Late-Night Personalities Target Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

TV's top hosts spent their airtime ridiculing ex-President Donald Trump's just unveiled visa program, dubbed the "gold card," characterizing it as a obvious pay-to-play scheme for the rich.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Analysis

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock holiday jingle about the commander-in-chief. "He is making a list, reviewing it twice, before handing that list to the officials at ICE," he sang. "Donald Trump ... ruins all he touches."

Colbert's target was the controversial plan that allows foreign nationals to acquire U.S. residency for an investment of one million dollars, with a "top-tier" option for $5 million. The program's page guarantees approval "faster than ever."

"One thought here to rich immigrants: prior to you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the card is also meant to "squeeze cash" from companies wishing to hire foreign workers, involving significant costs. "That's a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you additionally get free accommodation at a property of your choosing – if it's the that one hotel," he said.

"The best vetting the government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to verify these applicants completely meet the standard to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert responded. "The initial query: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"It's a card that will permit affluent international individuals to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choosing."

"Perhaps it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the lack of detail of the application, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Concerns

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll numbers amid economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he explained.

This week, in a bid to tackle affordability, Trump held a press conference in front of a display of grocery items, where he behaved oddly to some cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a long time."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by mocking conservative news arguments of Trump's economic record. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he remarked.