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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.